the healing process

photograph by ian dooley

acceptance

you wouldn’t be running from it in the first place if it wasn’t dark and scary but you have to come to terms with it. for some, you might not even know there is anything to come to terms with. for me, it was dealing with the fact that my dad was never really around. whenever i was asked about him i would say i didn’t care until one day i sat down and wrote a poem about him and all the hurt came gushing out. i realized that i had never spoken my truth out loud. i never claimed it as being real. that’s what most of us do when we get hurt; we won’t speak it aloud because we don’t want it to be real. we think that if we never say it it’ll be like nothing happened, but that’s not true. accept it. say it out loud. it will be tough emotionally but the first step is usually the hardest.

take responsibility not fault

the two are often used interchangeably but they are vastly different. it is imperative to know that more likely than not you are not at fault for whatever happened. you didn’t go out looking for something bad to happen to you and you definitely couldn’t control what circumstances you were born into. whoever did you wrong is at fault, the circumstances you were under are at fault. however, this doesn’t absolve us of responsibility. whether someone did you wrong or you did someone wrong, you are responsible for doing what is necessary to make things right. if someone did you wrong then you are absolutely responsible for making sure they do not take away your happiness. it happened, you’ve accepted it, you’re aware it wasn’t your fault, now own the responsibility to build yourself back up every day. if you did someone wrong you are responsible for fixing it and making things right. it happened, your circumstances might have forced you to do wrong but own up to the responsibility of making things right.

forgive yourself

look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself “it’s okay.” you may be forgiving yourself for many different reasons. it could be that you need more time than you thought to heal, hurt someone because you were hurt, buried your hurt, changed because of your hurt or a multitude of other reasons. no matter what the reason is, forgive yourself. you’ve probably been trying to do this for some time now and are wondering why things will be any different this time. well, after actually accepting the situation and taking responsibility instead of fault, i promise this will be much easier; i told you the first step is the hardest.

build an actionable plan

now you have to sit down and figure out what you need in order to fulfill your responsibility. for some it may be an artistic release that is needed. maybe you need to go out and help other people who went through a similar trauma. if you’ve done wrong then apologize and help that person heal; this may require you to be present or actually mean staying far away from them. by making a plan you’ll be able to hold yourself accountable if you feel yourself stepping away from your responsibility and it always feels good to check things off a list.

this is not an easy process so take your time and never feel like you’re moving too slow.